Never The Same
by Trivette Lover Heather
Summary: How did Abby cope while Gibbs & McGee were gone and when they returned. Would things ever be the same again?
1. Chapter 1

AN: As a long time writer and fan of NCIS, I wanted to write a piece that focuses on the repercussions of McGee/Gibbs going missing and their return. Without a single Abby/Gibbs scene this season, I can only assume it's because she is leaving the show. So this will hopefully give due credit to the two characters that have proven to have the longest and strongest bond of the original characters that are left. Please review and follow if you feel so inclined. Thank you.

* * *

When Bishop came down to the lab to tell her the news about Gibbs and McGee, Abby had just started to pack up her things to head home for the night. Little did she know that nothing would ever be the same again. She tried to remain stoic as she was told the details. They didn't know much. But one thing they did know was that the two most important people in her life, were missing. Gone. Maybe never coming back.

But, she was Abby Sciuto. And while she could worry with the best of them, she had to remain hopeful. She had to keep plastering that smile on her face. She had to keep believing they would come home.

Because life without them, couldn't be much of a life at all.

Gibbs was her axis.

He steadied her.

He anchored her.

They had to come home.

The first few days consisted of long anxious nights. Dead of night phone calls to Tony, Ducky and listening to Gibbs voicemail (that had never been set up) on repeat. By the third day she found herself at Gibbs' doorstep and let herself in. She brought a duffel bag for just one night but ended up staying two, then three, then four. She found comfort on the stiff couch she had spent many nights before. Usually when she was upset or her life was in danger, or they had just lost someone. She spent five nights there the week they lost Kate. Jenny. Ziva.

It really wasn't fair this whole tragedy thing that followed them. It wasn't fair that things always had to change. But when the ebb and flow of life would get to her, Gibbs would always be there. He would listen. Nod. Listen some more. He would hold her. Kiss her forehead. And everything was well with the world. But what did life look like without that? Would she really have to find out? Would Delilah? On night three, she ventured down to the basement and sobbed out of fear for a little while. No one could see or hear her down there. Maybe that's why Gibbs loved spending so much time there? It must have been a refuge for him. Because it had certainly become one for her.

Every morning she would wake up and head into work in hopes of hearing any news. She worked cases. Processed evidence. Did her job. She had become rather seasoned at putting emotions on the back burner and continuing to get the job done. But this wasn't just any loss.

This was Gibbs.

This was McGee.

This was her family.

By month two, she had become almost numb to it all. The grief and reality of their loss was chipping away at her soul. She refused to give into the despair, though. They wouldn't want that. They'd want her to be strong. But God, it hurt. The unknown was agonizing. Have they been dead this whole time? Were they being tortured in some dark dungeon? Were they making their way through the jungle in a daring escape? So many questions. No answers. And it was her job to find answers.

She crossed out another day on the calendar. Day 40 seemed to be even harder than Day 1. She couldn't get herself out of bed on Day 40. She didn't want to play pretend anymore. She hated that this was real life and figured she deserved one day to hide under the covers and cry. When her mind went to the worst case scenario, her grief was raw – excruciating and exhausting.

Tony made a trip out to see her on Day 42. It helped. He joked with her. Showed her pictures of Tali. They watched movies. They stared at each other without needing to say how afraid they were. His presence was comforting but she knew it was only temporary. A reprieve. He would leave again. And they would they would still be gone.

But something strange happened a few weeks later. There was a chance. A lead. Just when she was accepting this new normal, the hope came flooding back. They would be okay. They would come home. But just like on day one, she wondered if it would ever be the same again.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Thank you for your reviews! This may take some time to develop but bare with me as it pieces together. I have already written a few reunions in my Tag series etc, but here is one more take on how it could have gone. Thank you for reading and enjoy.

* * *

She left McGee's apartment in search of Gibbs. Tim mentioned he last saw him at NCIS, so that's where she was headed. She was thrilled, relieved, giddy, joyful…and scared to death. She knew the Gibbs that left for Paraguay but she wasn't sure who the Gibbs who came back would be. Why hadn't he called her when he came home? Did he even want to see her at all? She pulled the car over into a parking lot and contemplated her next move. Every fiber of her being wanted to hold him. Wanted to feel that he was really alive…that he was really _real_. She had spent the last two months grieving and crashing on his couch for heaven's sake. Denial had to be part of the process. But exactly what she had hoped for, had come true. Why was she worried? It would be great.

She pulled her car back onto the road, her destination clear.

* * *

When she got off the elevator she could see the silver hair just over the cubicle wall. She wanted to sprint towards him but decided against it. She quickly pinched herself to make sure she wasn't dreaming.

"Ow," she said aloud which caused Gibbs to turn his head towards her.

He stood up, very slowly. "You okay over there?"

Abby's heart skipped at his voice. "I guess I shouldn't have pinched myself so hard huh?"

Gibbs almost smiled as he made his way towards her. He looked confused as he watched her take a step backward. "It's me Abs."

"Is it?" Her eyes instantly welled with tears. "Because I couldn't take it…if all this, if you…McGee… if it wasn't real…"

"Trust me," he said softly. "I've thought the same thing the last 24 hours…it's real." He stepped towards her again, only this time she didn't step back.

She succumbed to his embrace and all but melted into him. This was real. He was home.

"I may or may not have left my laundry in your washer…" she muffled into his chest. It wasn't exactly what she had rehearsed saying to him over the last two months.

"That's okay," he hadn't let her go.

Without warning, Abby began to cry. Right there near the elevator doors. It wasn't the first time she had cried in his arms but once again, things weren't going as she planned. She had hoped to be the one offering him comfort, not the other way around. "This is all wrong," she stepped away but still held his hands in hers. "I should be happy…I should be jumping up and down… I should have brought balloons and flowers… and coffee, your coffee…I should have brought your coffee Gibbs…"

"Abs…"

"No, it's fine. I'll go right now and when I come back, can we have a reunion do over? I kind of role played this exact scene a few times while you were gone…the settings were different…but the gist of it was the same…but none of them involved me crying…so, if we can just rewind and hit play again, that would be great."

God, he missed her. "Just need _you_ Abs."

She usually hated when he was right, but not this time. She took a deep breath and got ahold of herself. "Are you okay?" She gave him a once over and grazed over the cut near his eye.

"Been better."

"I can drive you home…or leave you alone…or just stand here and stare at you."

He tried hard to smile. "Think we could just sit for a while?"

So they did. Until a while turned into hours and she ended up taking him home after all. She got him settled on the couch before going to switch her laundry. When she came back he was fast asleep. She pulled the covers over him and turned off the lights before settling onto the other couch and dosing off herself. She woke up the next morning to find him gone and panicked. Was it all a dream? She pinched herself again.

"Ow!"

"You don't have to keep doing that on my account," he came up behind her.

She embraced him briefly. "I missed a lot of things Gibbs…you creeping up on me wasn't one of them."

He only stared at her.

"Okay, maybe I missed it a little." She couldn't help but notice the half open bottle of bourbon and glass on the kitchen table. "Breakfast of champions?"

"You weren't the only one who missed things."

It went silent for a few moments.

"I'll uh…my laundry is probably done. I'll get my things together and go. I'm sure you want to be alone."

Gibbs didn't argue with her and attempted to help her gather her things. He met her at the front door with another embrace. "Thanks for keeping my place company…"

"Actually it was the other way around…not sure I would have made it without being reminded of you every day." She shook her head. "Did that come out as sappy as it sounded?"

He shook his head before opening the door for her.

She turned back and stared at him for a minute.

"You okay Abs?"

"Yeah," she said quickly. "I'm…good. I just…can't believe you're home. That's all."

"Makes two of us."

She turned to leave. "See you soon?"

He only nodded before closing the door.

When a week passed without even a phone call, Abby's fears seemed to be coming true.

Maybe things would never be the same, after all.


	3. Chapter 3

He'd been home 7 days. A week. 168 hours. 10,080 minutes.

She didn't want to push. Even if she was tempted to camp outside his house until he came out. He needed time. Time to adjust to being back. Time to… _heal._

Tony had told her to give him space. Let him work it out "the Leroy Jethro Gibbs" way.

Boat. Bourbon. Basement.

So she did. McGee had told her that they were both going to therapy and things seemed to be going well. She didn't want to appear needy but couldn't possibly understand why Gibbs wouldn't at least return her phone calls. Then she imagined his phone drowning in a glass of bourbon.

She would just have to wait till he returned to work. Things would go back to normal then. Caf Pow. Unannounced visits. Startling her from behind. Cheek kisses. "What do you got Abs." All of it. He would be back and everything would be golden. No question.

Until he returned to work.

McGee. Bishop. Torres.

Everyone but Gibbs came down to her lab for results.

 _Everyone._

She put on a smile and did her job. She got the occasional glimpse at him on video conference to tide her over. But resolved that this was their "new normal." Gibbs had come back different and she may never understand why. He certainly wouldn't share what happened over there. And she didn't really have the right to know anyhow. So, life went on. Day after day. Case after case.

Until they literally ran into each other in the parking garage.

"Why don't you watch where you're…." She snapped uncharacteristically before realizing who she'd run into. "Oh, hey Gibbs…"

"Hey Abs."

He said her name like nothing had changed. But something _had_ changed.

She gathered the things that had fallen and moved back towards her car. "Sorry," she muffled under her breath. "Good night."

Gibbs didn't reply.

That's when she turned around. "Almost a month."

As she expected, he didn't respond.

Her emotions wanted to say so much more than her words did. "Was good to see you." She turned around again, this time determined to make it to her car and cry herself all the way to the bowling alley. She opened the driver's side door when he appeared behind her. Startled, she fell into the driver's seat and sighed. "I really have to go, bowling league starts in twenty minutes and I like to get there a few minutes early…"

"To give yourself a pep talk." He finished for her. "I know."

For a split second. They were "them" again. He could surprise her by remembering the smallest detail about her life. He could make her feel like no one else mattered in the world but her.

Then the split second passed.

"Good night," he offered, starting to close the door after her legs were inside. They locked eyes right then and he could have sworn he saw tears resting in them. He watched her pull away but didn't start back towards his car for a few more minutes. He was contemplative. Unsure of himself. He could see he had hurt her. Everything changed after Paraguay. He'd changed. He was kidding himself to think Abby wouldn't be effected. And he was kidding himself to think that things would ever be the same again.


	4. Chapter 4

AN: I know this is moving slowly, but I hope to delve into more detail on the time they were gone, as well as Gibbs struggle during the time he distanced himself from her. Stay tuned. Thank you for reading.

* * *

He was a bastard. That's what the second B was for. But Abby didn't often see that side of him. He was different with her. But every once in a while it would shine through. This was one of those times. He had more to worry about than how she was feeling or her desperate need to see him. He had cases to work, trauma to process and a new boat to build. Not to mention any distraction from the pain.

 _God, the pain._

The "ghosting of Gibbs," as Abby liked to refer to it, went on for another month. The roller coaster of losing him, getting him back, then metaphorically losing him again was wearing on her. But she stayed the course. She would work hard. Remain somewhat available just in case he needed her. Maybe the universe was trying to tell her something. Maybe it was time for her to move on from NCIS and "all things Gibbs," and broaden her world. A strong part of why she had stayed so long was because they had become her pseudo family. But there had been so much loss. With Ziva _gone_. Tony moving on. Tim becoming a Father. Ducky semi retiring. Maybe it _was_ time. Her time.

She had let herself into his home more times than she could count over the years. She could practically make her way down to the basement blindfolded. So why was she standing at his door, in the rain, afraid to knock? Maybe she should just leave the letter on the stoop and be done with it. It's not like he cared to see her anyhow. But once she set it down and turned towards the driveway….

"Abs?"

She paused and considered turning around but didn't.

Gibbs picked up the envelope. "Hey, wait."

She continued to walk.

He surprised even himself when he took out after her, setting an umbrella over the two of them when he reached her. "Wait."

Abby continued to look down but eventually stopped.

The size of the umbrella caused them to be the closest they had been in months. Abby tried to step away but found herself doing the opposite. "Rain caught me by surprise."

"That thirty minutes standing at my door didn't help."

"You knew I was out there and you didn't…?" She stopped herself. "I should go."

He put his hand on her arm to stop her then pulled it away. "You left a few of your things inside from when…"

"I thought you were dead?" She said abruptly and didn't regret it.

Gibbs tried to make eye contact with her to no avail. He then gestured she take the umbrella before moving back towards his door.

Everything in her was screaming to go after him. Just hold him. Say she's sorry and press the reset button. On all of it.

"I did you know!" Abby shouted back towards him. "I tried to be brave and all that. I tried to focus on the job. Do what you would want me to do. But there were nights when…when I believed it. And I cried Gibbs. I cried for _you_ …" She pointed at him before tossing the umbrella down and welcoming the pouring rain. "I woke up every morning without the two most important people in my life…I did it…and you know what I learned? I learned that I _can_ live without you…I may not want to, I may hate it with every fiber inside of me…but I can do it. And I'm going to…just not here. Not anymore."

Gibbs looked down at the soaked letter in his hand. "You're quitting?"

The anger inside of her rose up quickly. After pouring her heart and soul out. That's what she gets in return?

"You really _are_ a bastard."

Gibbs took a few steps towards her but watched as she backed away. This wasn't what he meant to do. Push her away. Isolate himself. Hurt her. So he did the one thing that always brought them together. He began to sign…

" _I'm sorry."_

She didn't reply.

" _I'm sorry." He signed again._

She could see he was genuine. But it didn't matter anymore. So she signed back three simple words before getting into her car and driving away.

" _So am I."_


	5. Chapter 5

AN: Have just returned from a wonderful family vacation and with another few weeks of episodes with no Gabby interactions, I am ready to get writing again. Thank you for your patience. For those of you new to NCIS, I recommend watching this scene I've depicted below to give you an idea of how out of character all of this truly is. Thank you for reading.

 **Episode: Bounce – Season 6**

 _Tony (arrives down to her lab instead of Gibbs) "Abby, I'm not Gibbs."_

 _Abby: "Yes you are, because if you're not there's a problem…okay tell me, I can take it…wait, I can't…"_

 _Tony: "Rule 38." (Your case, your lead)_

 _Abby: Oh…_

* * *

McGee was waiting at her lab door in the early morning hours, Caf Pow in hand.

"Thought you might need this."

Abby smiled. "Going to need something stronger to get through these next two weeks McGee."

He followed her inside. "Can't believe you're really leaving…"

"Believe it," she said simply. "Time for me to spread my wings…take the leap…"

"I get the metaphors," Tim interrupted. "Guess I just thought you'd be here forever…that _we_ would be here forever…"

"Nothing lasts forever McGee." She smiled at him. "Chin up though, it's not like I'm disappearing off the face of the earth."

"But it won't be the same."

She swallowed hard at the reoccurring theme. "No, I guess not."

"Always hated change." He started to drink the Caf Pow himself without even realizing it.

She giggled a bit. "Maybe we should add something stronger to that for the both of us."

"Nothing will be strong enough for Gibbs to handle this. How'd it go last night when you told him?"

"It went," she turned and started to put away her things, hoping he would be content with that answer.

He wasn't.

"That bad huh?" He went on. "Did he stare at you for five straight minutes without saying a word? That's always the worst."

"Something like that."

McGee knew her better than almost anyone. "I know that look. There has to be more than you're saying."

"We exchanged words…verbally and non-verbally."

He gestured that she continue.

"Look, McGee. You & I both know that things haven't been the same since you guys came back. And me and Gibbs…well, _we_ aren't the same. And I don't think there's any way to make it better. This way, I can go and know I'm doing what's best for me….not just for Gibbs."

"But you always do what's best for Gibbs."

"Exactly," she shrugged. "I can't do that anymore."

"You know he loves you Abs…" He said it with a questioned tone in his voice. When she didn't reply he said it again. "You _know_ he loves you."

"I do," she said softly. "And I love him too. But things change you know…I mean look at you, you're a Dad. Tony's a Dad. Everything is changing McGee. Life is just an endless series of goodbye's right? Lord knows, we have said plenty of them."

He set the Caf Pow down and approached for an embrace. "Permission to hug?"

She had to smile. "Not that again."

He laughed when they embraced then slowly frowned as he held her. "No goodbyes okay?"

She nodded against him. "Just see ya later?"

"That I can handle," he stepped away from her. "I'm just not sure what Gibbs will be able to handle."

"I can be the judge of that," Gibbs stood at the entrance of the lab.

Tim only smiled and took that as his cue to leave. "See ya later Abs."

She watched him leave before continuing to prepare for the day as if Gibbs wasn't there. "Didn't think you remembered how to get down here." She moved around the lab as he remained at the entrance for a few more minutes.

"I deserve that."

She turned abruptly to face him. "Was there something you needed? I have work to do...for a couple more weeks anyway."

He stepped inside the lab and made his way over to her. "What do you got Abs?"

She swallowed at hearing the phrase and she put her hands out. "Nothing….I have nothing for _you_ , Gibbs."

"Let me make this right."

"No," she said simply. "You don't get to do this. You don't get to come down here and sweep me off my feet with those blue eyes and warm voice…I suffered for months wanting for this very thing…and now that you're here…now that you are sorry, I'm supposed to just succumb to the Gibbs charm, well I'm not doing it…" She crossed her arm and stepped away from him.

Gibbs looked down. "I am sor—"

"Don't." She interrupted. "There's enough about this that isn't right…You breaking your own rules twice in two days is not okay."

"Then tell me what to say."

"What did I do?" She blurted out, louder than necessary. "Why have you avoided me like the plague?" She cringed. "Bad memories, sorry."

He almost smiled. He missed every. single. thing. about her.

"And if you say, it's not you, it's me. I might punch you."

"You know I'm not good at this."

"I know," she nodded towards him. "You know how I know? Because for the last 12 years on my birthday, you share a total of 15 words at dinner. I know, because when Tony left you didn't say a thing when you came over just to sit with me…because when Ziva died, all you were able to do was tell me it would be okay and hold me…I _know_ you, Gibbs. I just don't know if I know you _anymore_."

"Not sure I do either."

She examined him closely. In all the years they'd known each other, she's unsure she had ever seen him so vulnerable. She wasn't even sure using the word vulnerable alongside Gibbs was possible. But she could see it. In his eyes. If there was anything she knew better than anything in this world, it was those eyes.

"About calling you a bastard," she began.

"I deserved it."

"Probably," she agreed. "But you're not supposed to be a bastard to me Gibbs. This is me…remember me? Abby Scuito? The one you fiercely protect at all costs. The one you promised to not let anything happen to?"

"I remember."

"That girl, grieved you Gibbs. I didn't want to believe you weren't coming home…or that, you were in pain somewhere and I couldn't help you…I hated every single second that you were gone. And now that you're back…I still hate every single second you're here. Because you shut me out. Push me away. Change everything we used to have…and the worst part is, I'm leaving and we won't get any of that time back."

"Don't leave."

She sighed outwardly. "I have to."

"No you don't." He shook his head. "I can make this right."

"This isn't just about you Gibbs. It's about me. My job…my life at NCIS has meant everything to me. Meeting you," she stopped when tears began to form. "Meeting you was my favorite and most wonderful hello that I have ever had in my life…even if you didn't actually say hello at the time…" She smiled slowly. "I idolized you. Had you so high up on a pedestal that when you fell…I broke into a thousand little pieces too."

He couldn't take his eyes off her as she continued.

"The chance that you were never coming back, helped me realize that my so called world, was too small. That so much of what I loved about NCIS, was _you_. Yes. I loved the work, the science, getting the bad guys. But pages turn. Sometimes they rip and you can't tape them back together just right. Leaving, has everything to do with me, finding me, without you."

"So it is about me?"

She shrugged. "Yeah, I guess it's essentially about you…but mostly me. Because I feel like, us, is a bond that's so strong it's almost interchangeable ya know?"

"Yeah."

"Or, at least it used to be."

It went silent right then. Gibbs didn't know how to repair the damage. He wasn't sure anything he said or did would matter. But he knew that she was one of the few people that mattered to him anymore. And he was losing her. Just like he loses everyone else.

"I am…." He squinted his eyes in hopes of choosing the next words carefully. "I was…wrong. I pushed you away because…"

And it in that moment, it seemed as though every ambient noise quieted and all that mattered were the next words he would speak.

"You couldn't need me."

She had waited months to hear him say it. So why did it all feel so unsatisfying?

"You did this so I would realize I don't need you?"

He only nodded.

"Do you even realize how vindictive that is?"

"I was wrong."

"Don't pull out Rule 51 on this one… this whole situation needs its own new set of rules."

He shook his head. "Damn-it Abby…I thought I was dead…do you get that?" His decibel rose. "Every damn day I was in that god forsaken place, all I could think about was what you were going through! It was clear, I had two options. Get back to you. Or get McGee back to you and die trying."

She felt around for a place to sit and did so. "Why didn't you…"

"What Abs? Tell you that? You stayed at my house…I could see the pain in your eyes when you came to NCIS…I figured the only damn way for me to help you, was to keep you the hell away from me…"

She shook her head in disagreement.

"Everyone I love, gets hurt Abby. So the sooner you get as far away as possible from me, the better."

"So because you love me, you wanted me to hate you?"

"If that's what it took."

It was then, she was rendered speechless. And the two of them stared at one another for what seemed like hours, but was only minutes.

"I don't know whether to hug you or slap you."

"I get that a lot."

She stood up slowly. "You know what this means right?"

"You're staying."

"That I _have_ to go." She reached for his hand. "You couldn't trust me, to help you through this. And while I understand your twisted logic…I don't have to subject myself to it anymore."

"Abs…"

"No…I would have understood Gibbs. But maybe you're right. Maybe the silver lining in all this, is that I start a new path. One that's not riddled with painful landmines."

"Don't forget about the good."

She shook her head. "I won't… because, you _are_ the good, Gibbs."

He nodded towards her before turning to leave, stopping at the entrance to sign to her.

" _I love you."_

Abby knew when she met Gibbs all those years ago that he was broken. That tragedy had fractured him just like it had her. Even before she knew the details about his family. All the moments they spent together rushed through her mind when she signed back to him. Knowing with every fiber of her being, that loving him may be hard, but it was something she would always be sure of.

" _I love you too."_


	6. Chapter 6

AN: Thank you to those following and reviewing. I wanted this initially to peel away at how Abby was when they were away, so I'd like to touch on that a little this chapter. Each scene will go back and forth from when they were gone to the present time of the story. Thank you and enjoy.

* * *

Day 12

"I should come back to work, I can do this."

Ducky nodded in agreement with her. "I know it has been difficult. For everyone. I believe some normalcy will _help_." He spoke the last word with some emphasis, unsure of what specifically it would help with. He knew distractions could sometimes do more harm than good.

"You're right. Keeping busy is what I need. I need to be alone with the game. Help solve the cases. Do my duty." She paused. "I need that right?"

"I'm afraid what you need are Jethro and Timothy." He said gently. "I'm afraid it is what we all need."

Abby sat a bit closer to him. "They'll come back."

He slipped an arm around her. "I hope so my dear, I hope so."

* * *

"So you're really doing this?" Tony spoke softly over the phone as he didn't want to wake Tali up. Their apartment was almost as small as his place back home.

"I am. Kinda crazy huh?"

"Crazy wouldn't be the word I'd chose. More like, _devastating_ …that word fits better."

She smiled slightly. "It's all sort of surreal still."

"Dare I ask how the boss took it?"

"Funny," she paused. "Seems like that's what everyone is more concerned about."

"Well, he does kind of love you more than anybody else, so…"

"I am his favorite," she remembered fondly and felt a sadness pass through her. "It's strange, I've been trying to think of what I'll miss the most…."

"Definitely still me." He interjected.

"Without question." She reassured him. "Always sad to say goodbye."

His eyes wandered to a picture of Ziva on the nightstand. "Always."

* * *

Day 18

"I don't want to say goodbye you know…not till I know." Abby was lying on the couch of Dr. Cranston. A subtle yet unspoken reminder of another loss in her life. Kate.

"Understandable."

"I feel like they would want me to stay hopeful."

"You don't feel Gibbs would want you to move on with your life?"

Abby sat up right then, tears filling her eyes. "I'm not ready to know what he would want. Because I never really imagined my world without Gibbs – and we never really had the "What to do if I might be dead but there's not a body" talk."

"Did you have other worst case scenario talks?"

"Oh yeah, all the time." She reminisced. "Is that weird?"

"Not at all."

"Me and Gibbs…we're tighter than blood. You know that. Nothing was out of bounds when we talked…except maybe…well…I think I need to lay down again."

Rachel watched her closely. "It's important that I help you stay in the present Abby. Work through all the possibilities so you are ready."

She shook her head. "I can't go there…I can't."

"Okay," she said gently. "Do we want to look at loss in general? It could be a reason why you might be avoiding the possibly of their deaths?"

"Don't say that!" She sat up abruptly and spoke with a louder voice than necessary. "They are not dead…so don't use that word, alright?" She stood up and began to grab her things. "This was a mistake…coming here."

Rachel stood up. "I don't think it was a mistake. I think…I think you're afraid."

Abby turned when she got to the door and began to cry. "I don't think I've ever been this afraid before in my life."

She approached her slowly. "It's okay to be scared Abby. I promise you, that preparing yourself for the worst doesn't mean it will happen. You can still hold onto that hope."

"Sorry I yelled." Abby sat back down.

"I'm sorry I pushed," she sat down as well. "We don't have to go there today."

"No," she shook her head. "You're right…I should think about life without them." Her heart physically ached as she took in a few deep breaths. "I just don't know how."

"I can help you with that."

* * *

Ducky appeared at the top of Gibbs basement steps like he had hundreds of times before.

"Drowning your sorrows no doubt."

Gibbs didn't answer, only emptied out a jar of nails, blew into it and poured his friend a glass.

"I never thought I'd live to see the day Abigail would leave us."

Still no reply came.

"Wish I'd seen this coming sooner. Been there for her."

"You were there when I wasn't." Gibbs finished his glass.

"Not enough, I'm afraid."

"Not your fault Duck."

The doctor recognized that tone. "Ah yes. I forgot. Anything that ever befalls her, is your fault."

"If you came to lecture me…" He gestured back up the stairs.

"I came here to join you in your sorrows." He took the bottle and poured himself another helping. "Change is difficult, _loss_ is difficult to feel when you're alone."

Gibbs knew he was speaking for himself as well.

"I hurt her."

Ducky didn't disagree. "She was…fractured while you were missing. A shadow of herself. Drowned herself in the work to distract from feeling any of the fear. She began to see Dr. Rachel when the nights crying on my shoulder no longer sufficed. It was dreadful seeing her that way."

"Your point?" Gibbs hated hearing about the pain but quickly regretted what he said. "Duck…"

"No," he put his hand up. "It's quite alright."

"I hate that I wasn't here…for her. For all of you."

"You chose to be the hero," Ducky reminded him. "We always knew there was a chance that choice would take you from us one day."

"Had to be sure they'd get away safe."

"I know."

"I didn't ask for Tim to get off the damn chopper."

"I know."

"I told them to go dammit." Gibbs slammed his jar down on the hull of the boat.

Ducky observed him for a moment. "Not thinking of yourself is something I admire you most for Jethro. A bit misguided at times, but you mean well. Abigail moving on is…"

"My fault," Gibbs assured him.

Ducky knew better than to disagree and lifted his glass. "To failing the ones we love most."

Gibbs lifted his as well and took down every last drop.

* * *

Day 32

"No word." Ellie came down with her simple morning briefing. "Still tapping all our sources. I promise, as soon as I hear anything…."

"I'll be the first to know." She finished for her. "Thanks."

Abby watched her leave her lab before pulling up to her desk and opening her journal.

 _"Dear Gibbs,_

 _I miss you. Still waiting to hear if you guys are okay. Passing the time with everything I can think of. I even took up curling. Yeah, you read that right. Curling. It's actually kind of fun, minus the yelling at the person brushing…I don't like to yell, which you already know. One of my friends invited me to join a book club on Tuesdays. The more evenings I can fill, the better. Keeps me from dwelling on you guys being gone. But today is going to be a good day. I can feel it. I promise I won't cry, not even a little bit. I know how much you hated to see me cry. So I'm gonna put on some happy music, not too loud, and keep going the work. I know the work mattered so much to you, so I'm really doing it for you…. Gosh, I can't wait to see you. Catch you up on everything. You better believe I will be crashing on your couch, telling you about everything you missed. I really, really can't wait to see you. I know, I said that already._

 _Please come back soon,_

 _-Abby_

 _PS: It would be really funny if you wrote letters to me…you know…because they would be, Dear Abby, letters. Okay, it was way funnier in my head._

 _PSS: I really, really miss you guys._

 _PSSS: Like a lot._

* * *

"I'll miss her Duck." Gibbs poured himself another glass.

"I know."

"It won't be the same..."

Ducky agreed and placed a soft hand on his shoulder. "No...no it won't."


	7. Chapter 7

AN: After another episode with every character in Abby's lab, except Gibbs, I had to write this chapter. I guess fans will always have the good old days.

* * *

Change.

As inevitable as the sun coming up each morning.

Something you can always count on.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs was well acquainted with the notion. The loss of his wife and daughter had started a chain reaction in his life that never seemed to stop. One hello, meant another goodbye. He had left his share of damage in his wake, no question. The pain was so well hidden beneath all the anger. Then, came Abigail Scuito. Slowly but surely, she chipped away at that fortress he had worked so hard to build. Before he knew what was happening, he had grown to love her. Vowed to protect her. And wanted nothing more than to see her happy. But the wrecking ball that was Leroy Jethro Gibbs was bound to swing through. Only this time, the damage seemed beyond repair.

* * *

"Timmy, be careful." Abby snatched the fragile skull from his hands. "These skulls go in those boxes over there."

McGee had to smile. "Got it. Think you'll have enough boxes? I could stop by the hardware store and pick more up on my way home."

"No need." Gibbs gruff voice stopped the rest of the team from packing.

"I'm suddenly hungry," Torres offered.

"You're always hungry," Ellie scoffed, before catching the hint and following her teammates out the door.

Gibbs set the boxes down near the couch. "I don't have to stay."

Abby took a step towards him awkwardly. "You can."

"I don't have to."

"It's up to you."

"I should go."

"Okay."

Gibbs turned towards the door when a picture frame caught the corner of his eye. He took hold of it and hid the smile on his face. "Was this…."

"First time you took me out for dinner on my birthday."

Tears filled his eyes before he could fight them.

She couldn't see his face but was familiar with that type of Gibbs silence. "I was stood up by a guy I was seeing remember? You surprised me by showing up there so I wouldn't be alone…guess you never really stopped being my knight in shining armor huh?"

Gibbs turned to face her, his eyes still locked onto the photo. "I let you down Abs."

She didn't reply and simply walked over to take the frame from his hands. She gazed at it for a few moments. "Gosh, I hated that dress."

He joined her in a brief laugh.

"You should definitely bring back the military cut Gibbs. The shaggy look never suited you."

"Guess I was just looking for a change."

Abby gestured towards the almost empty apartment. "Change never suited you much either."

"Ah, you get used to it." He gestured towards the door. "Night Abs."

She followed him out into the hallway. "Wait."

Part of Gibbs wanted to swing back around and hold her. Apologize. Fall to his knees and beg her to stay. But the other part, just turned around in silence.

"Here." She handed him the frame and traced over his hand as she gave it to him. "Keep it."

He almost refused but couldn't and simply took it from her.

"Night Gibbs."

He watched her disappear back into her apartment and whispered to no one. "Please don't go."

* * *

Day 38

 _Dear Gibbs,_

 _Please don't go. Please. I know that if you are alive, what you must be going through is hard. Awful even. But can you hang on? Fight. So you can make it back home. I'm not sure how much longer I can handle Bishop and Torres down in my lab and not you. I want things to be the way they used to be. I want to give my results to you. I want a kiss on the cheek. My caf pow. "That's good work Abs." Gosh I miss it so much. Maybe I took it for granted. I knew it wasn't going to last forever. I guess I just hoped we'd have more time. So, please Gibbs. Please don't go._

 _-Abby_

* * *

The day of her going away party was a Friday. Gibbs usually spent those toiling away in his basement. And this Friday would be no different. Except for the unexpected visitor who decided to join him.

"Come to shake off that jet leg DiNozzo?"

Tony smiled as he made his way down the steps. "Missed you too boss." They shared a brief embrace.

"Something tells me you're not here to catch up?" Gibbs poured them both a coffee cup of bourbon.

"What gave it away?"

Gibbs picked his tools back up. "I'm not going Tony."

"Going where?" He dropped the act quickly. "Look boss, I know better than to try and convince you to do something you don't want to do."

"Smart man."

"But, I also just flew from Paris in the middle seat between an Al Pacino wannabe and a Hillary supporter so I'm feeling pretty dicey about now." He took to pacing. "Now, I get you not wanting to go and face her… the whole face pain head on has never really been your thing."

"Watch it DiNozzo. Or the two people you sat between are going to seem like a dream in a minute."

"Hear me out." Tony put up his hand. "I was there for her when you and the Probie were missing. I pretty much virtually tucked her in every night. I never want to see her in that much pain again."

"I'm back now."

"Yeah, but if she leaves without Gabby making amends then…"

"Gabby?"

"Yeah, you know…Gibbs, Abby." He gestured putting two things together with his hands. "Never mind, listen. You can continue to avoid her but I know you boss…and I know you'll regret it."

"Are you done?"

Tony thought for a moment before pulling out a piece of paper and reviewing it. "Yeah, I think I hit the high points."

"You wrote notes?"

"It was a long flight."

Gibbs hid a smile. "Was good to see you DiNozzo."

Tony knew what he meant. "Dinner tomorrow night before I head home?"

"As long as you bring beer and not lecture notes."

"You got it." They shook hands and Tony took to the stairs only to stop at the top. "Are you sure you don't want to come? I rented a Ferrari for the weekend…"

"No thanks Magnum." Gibbs waved as he left and slowly but surely finished off the bottle of bourbon on his own.

* * *

"No boss?" McGee met Tony at the door of the restaurant.

"Curing cancer would have been an easier feat." He embraced his friend. "You look good Probie. Healthy."

"Thanks. You look like you got stuck in the middle seat."

"From hell," Tony finished for him. "Buy me a drink and fast."

* * *

Monday morning came faster than Abby realized it would. She had put in her last full day of work on Friday but wanted to pick up a few last things before she walked out of the lab for the final time. She was feeling every emotion imaginable. But sadness was at the forefront as she reached for the small Israeli flag near her computer. Memory after memory began to flood her mind when she was interrupted with a Caf Pow being placed beside her.

"Hey Abs."


	8. Chapter 8

AN: As we have continued through the season without a scene of them together, I continue to feel the sadness of it all. This will be the last chapter in the present time, with the next and final chapter being more of an epilogue. This piece has been therapeutic for me and I'd be lying if I didn't get choked up writing the chapter below. Enjoy.

* * *

"Hey," she didn't turn to face him but only stared at the Caf Pow he had just set down. "Better late than never huh?"

Gibbs encompassed his usual silence. He didn't do goodbyes well. Come to think of it, he didn't do hello that well either.

"Missed you at the party." She started to move around her lab and place a few things in boxes.

"I wanted to be there."

"I wanted you there," she turned to face him. "But you don't always get what you want."

Gibbs took a step towards her. "It's not too late you know. Vance hasn't replaced you." His heart stung at the word, _replaced_ , but he remained composed.

"Funny. You come down to plead with me now Gibbs? I've been down here, toiling away, heartbroken for months, and on my last day you decide to appear? Even put a sentence together? Bring me a Caf Pow? It's almost a sick joke." She stepped away and reached for the Israeli flag Ziva had given her. "After everything…why did you choose to lose me too?"

Gibbs had been determined to hold his composure. But those words pierced him. His face fell. His eyes watered. "Abs…I…."

She waited a few moments for him to speak but when he didn't she lifted out a journal from her boxes.

"When you were gone, Dr. Cranston suggested I write to you. It was supposed to help me process the chance of losing you…but it actually kept my hope alive. Hope that you would come home and all would be well with the world. I never imagined a world, where you would come home but still be gone." She handed him the journal. "This helped me stay close to you when you were far away…but I don't need it anymore."

Gibbs took it without a word.

"I know you have pain locked away tight Gibbs. I just wish you had let me in." She walked away, half expecting Gibbs to walk out without a word. Just like he had hundreds of times before.

"You were my second chance." He surprised even himself at the vulnerability he was feeling. "When I lost Kelly…I lost a part of myself I was sure I would never get back." He smiled at the memory flooding his mind. "And then, in came you. Bobbing into the bull pen, bright red lip stick."

"I do make an impression."

"The best one," he said simply. "I ruined my second chance Abs. I ruined the very best gift…that gift was _you_."

She had stilled herself as he spoke. Her tears falling freely now. There was no hurt or pain that could keep her from reaching out for him in that moment.

They embraced like it was the very first time.

"Wish this could last forever."

Gibbs swallowed hard as he continued to fight for his composure. "Me too Abs."

She fought easing away from him but knew she had to. "I should finish packing up."

He nodded. "I understand."

"Thanks for the Caf Pow," she smiled towards him as she continued to cry.

It was then he reached out with his hand and wiped a few of her tears, before placing a small kiss on her cheek. "That's good work Abs."

And with that, he walked out of her lab without looking back. He faced the elevator walls until the doors closed behind him. It wasn't long before he switched off the power and cried his very own tears, in silence. She was his second chance, and he'd lost her.


	9. Final

AN: I thought it apropos, that I wrote this chapter after Abby's final scene tonight. The emotions were fresh and this was very cathartic for me, and I hope it will be the same for you. The real tragedy was the loss of these two characters relationship, in her final season and that will be always be a sore spot. For years I have written the two of them as the focal point in many of my stories - and they were my favorite to write. So this final chapter comes with even more sadness as it's sort of a goodbye to that as well. There are some minor spoilers here but I thought tying it in to tonights episode would do them justice. Enjoy.

* * *

Life went miserably by for Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Just like it always had. No matter the depth of the loss, that damn sun still came up in the morning. There were times in his life when he fostered a deep hatred for that sun. And if he was honest, an even deeper hatred of himself.

On this particular night, in his particularly lonely home, he poured himself a liberal serving of bourbon and gave a new meaning to the phrase, drowning your sorrows. The journal Abby had given him just a few weeks prior, had taunted him from his kitchen table since the day they'd said goodbye. But tonight, tonight he would set aside the torture in Paraguay, and subject himself to his very own.

The initial pain was _reading_ a letter from her, when all he wanted to do was to hear her voice. And all he wanted was the chance to hold her, and never let her go. To keep the promise he had made her all those years ago, that he would always keep her safe. But this time, he couldn't out run his own pain and she got caught up in the wake that always followed. The dreadful wake of loss that haunted him.

" _Hey Gibbs,_

 _It's me, Abby. I don't know if you'll ever read these letters. Because I don't know if I'll ever see you again. That thought, is enough for me to throw in the towel but I know you wouldn't want me to quit. I know if you were here that you would do everything in your power to convince me to hang in there. To stay. To hold on. To wait for you…."_

He took down the last of the bourbon before reaching for something stronger. He took in a few long labored breaths before continuing.

 _I will always wait for you Gibbs. I don't care how long it takes or how many of these letters I have to write. I won't ever give up on you…because I know you would do the same for me. For any of us. You would do whatever it takes. Leave no stone unturned. So I'm going to hang on…I'm going to have faith you'll come back to us…because I don't want to know a world without you Gibbs."_

He wanted to stop. Toss the journal in the fire. Put an end to the misery. But he was anything, if not a glutton for punishment. So he continued on, page after page, tear after tear, drink after drink. Until that final page. At this point his vision was blurred enough that he needed to hold it under the lamps in his living room to see…

" _Hey Gibbs,_

 _Just me again. Feeling hopeless today, but not because you aren't home. But because you are. You pushed me away and I can't do anything to make it better. I gave you space, but I just figure the pain must be so bad that you can't let anyone in. Not even me. I'm afraid I will have to say goodbye soon. Ironic right? I think you're never coming back and when you do, I go. That's life though right? Unpredictable. But you never were. You were constant and sure. You were, you are everything to me Gibbs. And there's only been one thing I've ever needed to hear from you…"_

He stood away from the light, and peered outside his window. He couldn't tell if it was the bourbon or simply a figment of his imagination. But he saw her standing there. He smiled towards her before expressing his love with one simple sign, then envisioned her doing the same. He then stepped away and stumbled his way to the kitchen table, her journal in hand.

 _Hey Abs,_

 _I let you down. I promised I would always keep you safe. And I can't do that now. And if it wasn't for that damn sun, I would throw in the towel too. But, when I was in the darkest time of my life, sixteen years ago. You were hope for me. And I know I'm a bastard but I'm gonna be better…and I promise to still keep you safe in whatever way you'll let me. Until then, I'll wait for you this time."_

 _Gibbs_

* * *

*Four months later*

Gibbs tossed his mail on the counter, just like he did every day. Sifting through with a glance and heading straight for the beer in the fridge when he saw her name on the top left corner of an envelope. He held it reverently before taking a seat on the couch and opening it slowly. He took in a long breath and began to read…

 _Hey Gibbs,_

 _I got your letter. Sorry it's taken me so long to write back. I needed some time to process and being with Tali and Tony these last few months has helped me heal a bit. I know how deeply you commit to your promises. I remember each time you made one to me like it was yesterday. I can't pretend that I don't miss you or want to go back to the way things were. But we can't. What we can do is try and navigate our new normal. Even if that means, teaching you how to face time. Because one thing I've realized after being gone, is that you are still the first person I want to call when I'm hurt and you're still the one I want protecting me. That won't ever change, Gibbs. Just like the love we had won't ever change. It just might look different. But I'd take different over not having you at all._

 _So, bear with me as I figure this out. Until then, we can keep writing. I think I'd get more words out of you anyhow. I should be back in DC for the twins first birthday, so maybe we can grab coffee?'_

 _I love you Gibbs._

 _Abby_

He leaned back with a sigh. Relief washed over him and he basked in it for a moment before grabbing a piece of paper…because the love he had for her would never change either. Even if it would never be the same.

Because love has a power that crosses _any_ distance, _any_ amount of time and _any_ hurt. And that type of love is always worth fighting for.


End file.
